The Journey

I'm not going to write about family, or heritage, or growing up.  Right now, I feel like writing about me, just me here and now.  I say "here and now", but actually it's more about my journey to find the person I was "then and there".  The "then and there" is before I was born.  It's before I came to this earth to gain a body, to learn, to experience.  It's the pre-mortal world where I was a spirit child of a loving Heavenly Father.  We were all there, you know (or maybe you don't know, but I do).  I don't remember it, I just know.  Remembering it would make it too easy, not as challenging.  We made choices there.  Choices to follow the plan of agency or follow the plan of absolute assurance of returning to Heaven.  Ironic that even while we were fighting over these two plans, the principle of agency was fundamental. 

Plan A: To come to an earth that was going to be prepared for us.  To gain a body through the process of birth.  To experience pain, sorrow, joy, happiness, etc.  To make choices about what to do, how to live our lives, how to treat others.  Doesn't sound too bad, does it.  Think about it though. No memory of the then and there to help us.  No guarantee that we would make right choices.  No guarantee that the people around us would make right choices.  We might be good and make good choices, or we might be subject to those who would make bad choices, causing us much pain and sorrow.  We could suffer at the hand of those who would inflict pain, all kinds of pain, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.  This suffering might not even be due to our own choices, but rather the choices of others.  Even worse, we could be the ones making those bad choices and inflicting that kind of pain on others.  We could be the real bad guys after this was all over.  No guarantees.  We were promised that there would be a way to correct our bad choices (and there would be many), to heal the pains we would suffer (much of that too).  We would try and hope to return to live with our Heavenly Father after our earthly experiences were over.  All conditional on whether or not we accepted that offer to correct our bad choices. 

Plan B:  Come to the earth being prepared for us.  No choices to make.  Therefore, no chance of making wrong choices, no chance of failing.  No chance of having pain inflicted on us, or inflicting pain on others.  No pain, no sorrow, no suffering.  Guaranteed return to live with Heavenly Father.

So why did I choose plan A???  Seems pretty risky.  You know, all the people who live on this earth, have ever lived on this earth and will live on this earth picked plan A.  (Or maybe you don't know that, but I do.)  Think about that.  Some pretty horrible things have taken place on this earth at the hands of people who chose plan A.  And it wasn't just a simple choosing between plan A and plan B, then simply parting ways.  It was, as we are told, a "war".  People fighting for a cause.  Maybe not a violent war, but a war of words, of persuasion, trying to pull others over to our way of thinking.  I wonder if all were passionate about their point of view and their choice or were some just going along for the ride, because they had to choose one or the other.  Was I passionate about my choice?  Was I actively engaged in the rally to pull others over to "my side", or was I sitting back, just going along for the ride?  Wouldn't plan B have been so much easier?  I can see why it was chosen by many, 1/3 of all of us.  Agency sounds good and all, but come on, who wouldn't want to take the easy, non-risky choice.  So why, why did I choose plan A.  What did I see and know (or feel and believe) that those 1/3 didn't.  What would make me take the harder route? 

Fast forward.....I'm here, on earth, the here and now, age 55.  Life has been ok, but can't really say it's been fabulous.  Those painful experiences we knew would happen, have happened (and will continue).  I can look at other's lives and should be so grateful that I don't have their problems and experiences, so grateful that I have made ok choices for the most part.  But this is my blog and my story, so I'm not going to talk about other's problems and choices.  This is all about me, here and now.  Those experiences leave their mark.  They mold us and form us.  Or do they?  Maybe they just would have us believe they mold and form.  And since I can't remember what I was like in the then and there, that molding and forming is all I really have to go on.  I'm specifically talking about the not so good kind of experiences.  The kind that cause pain and suffering to us due to the poor choices of those around us.  So, that molding/forming may only be a result of that pain and suffering.  May only be covering up who I was then and there.  Who was I then and there?  What was I like?  How do I remember her?  And the really big question, HOW DO I TAP INTO HER STRENGTH TO GET ME THROUGH THE REST OF THIS EARTH LIFE? 

So, this is what I think.  Maybe part of my mission on this earth, part of my journey, is to find this woman.  To uncover all the "would be molding" caused by the not so good experiences.  To recognize and remove that molding to get closer and closer to that woman in the then and there.  I can tell you this much, as I do this, I'm starting to see/feel glimpses of her.  She is cheering me on and I love her for this.  She knows the real me.  She is the real me.  I am not trying to become her, I am trying to find her.  To find those qualities that made me passionate about plan A.  Yes, I said passionate.  I wasn't a fence sitter in the then and there, just going along for the ride.  I was actively engaged in the fight.  What a woman of strength she is.  There are still so many layers of "molding" to sort through.  And I know many more experiences to go through.  After all, that is what I signed up for, it's a life time journey, literally.  But, how can I expect to live with my Heavenly Father again if I can't find her in the here and now?  How can I expect to be worthy (or even comfortable) to be in the presence of my Savior if I can't uncover those qualities that made me so passionate about plan A in the first place?  Don't get me wrong, this is not easy.  It's downright hard.  There are stumbling blocks all along the way and I do stumble, even fall.  But there is a way to get back up, to get around or over the stumbling blocks.  I have uncovered enough of the then and there me to feel her pushing me.  To feel her strength become my strength.  This I know, the journey to find her is spectacular!