Dear Reader......

Dear Reader,

This post is all about you.  Well sort of, but I'll get to that.  Let me start with a story.  

I've been blogging for over a year now, sharing some family history, sharing my thoughts, my beliefs, etc.  It has most certainly evolved into something I didn't expect or start out to do.  After the 1st few posts, I discovered a love for writing that I didn't know I had.  As I discovered this, I also discovered that I wanted more and more people to read it.  That might seem rather vain of me.  I prefer to think it is simply a desire for validation.  I think we get those 2 things mixed up a lot.

So let me shift gears and tell you about Vision Boards and my experience with my board.  I learned about Vision Boards in a workshop called Access Your Personal Power.  I think there might be different ways to go about creating one, but what I learned was simple enough.  You basically put things up on your board that you want to accomplish, want to be, want to have, etc.  Simply put, it's a wish list, but that really doesn't do it justice at all. There is a pattern to actually putting it up and some dos and don'ts on how to put your wishes on it.  Once created and filled with your wishes, you look at and read it everyday.  We were told to think of things we wanted.  Categories might be health, relationships, finance, spirituality, career, and what you want to be know as, etc.  There could be other categories too, it's flexible.  We were told to think way outside the box, in other words, don't think of things that are easily accessible or already in the works to accomplish.  Do think of things that you would want or hope for, but don't see how it could ever happen without a miracle.  We were given 3x5 cards to write a few of our wishes on.  We were to write it as if we already had it, using 1st person, positive verbiage.  So instead of writing something like, "I want a new car", we were told to write, "I have a new car".  When 1st introduced to this idea, I struggled with actually writing something down.  I certainly had wishes, but putting them on paper seemed extremely bold.  I did get over that feeling though and did create my version of the Vision Board. 

So I'm getting to the part where you come in.  After discovering my passion for writing, I put this statement on a card on my Vision Board, "My blog is read and loved by many all over the world."  Okay, I kind of feel like you might be laughing at me right now.  It certainly was a BOLD statement and would most definitely require a miracle.  After all, I had only recently opened my blog to the public (no password required to read) and had started putting my new posts on Facebook for my friends to see.  So there sat my card on my Vision Board, stating that "my blog is read and loved by many all over the world." 

Finally, here's your part.  I've been blogging now for about a year and a half.  I did finally open it up to search engines.  I have to admit, that was a little creepy at first, but it feels okay now.  There is a page I can go to and check the stats on the "hits" my posts and pages get.  Yes, an obsession, but it just is what it is.  I'm sure in the world of blogging my numbers, in comparison to others, would seem relatively low.  But in my world and my head they are quite
impressive for the 24 posts I have so far.  Not just the total number of hits, but where the hits are coming from.  Remember my statement on my Vision Board?  I want to share those numbers with you.  Here they are:

United States          646
Russia                       53
Australia                   11
Switzerland               11
South Korea               6
Italy                            4
Canada                       3
Ukraine                      3
China                         1
Germany                    1

For someone with a slightly obsessive personality, these numbers create a lot of curiosity.  So this next part is all about you and could be quite fun.  I'm asking and hoping that you will click on the word "comment" at the bottom of this post.  You have the option to be anonymous if you choose.  Tell me where you are, city, state, country, etc.  If you want to tell me more about yourself, feel free to do that.  I will just say that all comments come to me via email first to review.  So you could even comment and ask me not to publish it and I will happily keep your comment from going public.  I realize this could really backfire and I get nothing back.  That would be sad, but I'll get over it.  I'm hoping to make those numbers seem more real, less statistical, but that will only happen if you comment below.  If you're one of my readers that I already know about, I want you to play along and comment too.  The more the merrier.

The Return

It seems my blog has taken on a theme of my life's lessons.  It has also proven to be very therapeutic and liberating.  While I've felt myself open up and share a little of myself, I will admit there are many things I would not dream of sharing.  Perhaps a glimpse into my childhood would explain this better.  

I am the youngest of 5 and felt that I was looked at as "the perfect child".  I certainly wasn't, but I did get good grades, didn't do anything against my parents wishes, was most always respectful of them etc, etc, etc.  I felt I was always being held up against my older siblings as a role model.  As a young child, I overheard it said that I would be the one to succeed, to actually make something out of my life.  What a horrible thing to overhear, and even worse for my older siblings to hear or to feel.  I am sure this did not sit well with them and as I look back, I didn't like that feeling either.  The feeling or need to always display "perfection" was a pretty heavy load to carry, for a young child, teenager, young wife and mother, and even now as it is still with me.  I don't know that it started or was created in my childhood, perhaps I just brought that quality with me from the pre-existence into this world.  I just know that my childhood experiences were the first memory I have of the need to display perfection.  What it created in me was the need to keep all those imperfections in my family life private, very private.  So, as I continue with this blog entry, I am most definitely out of my comfort zone.

I went to a ceremony for my daughter Lynsie today.  As I sat there, I felt the need to blog about it.  With her permission, I am writing of my experience and feelings surrounding this event.  They called it a graduation.  It was a graduation from an inpatient drug rehabilitation program that she has been in for the last month.  Lynsie's life has not taken the direction I would have hoped for her.  She has had many struggles and obstacles.  She will admit that her own choices have created this path.  I can't really express her feelings or emotions as that would be her story to tell, not mine.  I wouldn't even know how or where to begin with that.  But I can express mine, so that is what I'm going to do. 

In this ceremony, the women that are in the rehab program all had the opportunity to say something about Lynsie.  I think that is what touched me the most.  They said some things that were very familiar to me.  Let me explain.

Lynsie was always my most outspoken child.  Everyone knew her, everywhere she went.  She made sure of that.  Some liked her, some did not.  That didn't seem to bother her though.  In church, she always spoke out for what she believed.  She shared that belief openly and with confidence.  She always had direction in her life.  She was a strength to other young women who didn't have such strong convictions or direction. Then, there were some events in her life that prompted the use of drugs to help her cope.  As her life continued, the pattern to use drugs as a coping method also continued.  There were some ups and downs and back and forths.  Over the years, my well meaning advice fell on deaf ears.  I'm sure partly due to her strong willed personality and most recently due to the life style she was living.  My own inability to express sincere love while giving this advice was also a key factor as well.  But the events of the last year have simply snow balled.  I saw her on a few occasions, very much under the influence of these drugs.  She had lost a lot of weight, and looked the part of a full on drug addict at deaths door.  She was not in any frame of mind to listen or accept my advice or direction.  I have to say in retrospect that advice is not what she needed.  I simply couldn't see that.  What I did see was someone I didn't know.  I remember standing in my hallway and her last high school picture caught my eye.  What a beautiful young girl she was.  I remember also looking at her the week before thinking that My Lynsie was not in there any more.  She was gone.  I didn't think she could ever possibly come back.  The damage was done.  I felt helpless and heartsick.  My actions had proven inadequate and I was emotionally done.  Although I stopped putting forth any effort to help her, my prayers never stopped.  While I had no more to give, I prayed that angels would attend Lynsie and give her what she needed and I put it all in the Lord's hands.  I had to trust that He knew what she needed and how to give it to her.  The events over the next months were an answer to not only my prayers, but the prayers of other family members pleading on her behalf as well.  A very visible angel did came to her rescue.  Her older sister, Angie.  And yes, we did name her Angela, because she was going to be our little angel.  (That's another blog story for another time though.)

Angie and her husband Jason were living in Virginia on a military assignment.  The contract was up in October 2013 and they were planning to move back to Phoenix at that time.  As Lynsie's life plummeted toward "rock bottom", Angie and Jason felt the need to come home sooner.  Arrangements were made, the contract was granted to be cut short, and they came home to Phoenix in May.  An incredibly difficult move as they had a 21 month old, an 11 month old, and Angie was 6 months pregnant.  Yes you read that right, no typos there.  And to top that, they felt they were coming home to take on foster care of Lynsie's 2 sons age 5 and 7 who were now in CPS custody.  Lynsie's 18 month old daughter was in the care of my son Zac and his wife Tess, more angels that had come to the rescue.  I think everyone felt at that time that if we couldn't help Lynsie, we could help the kids.  As it turned out, Angie and Jason did not take the boys.  A decision that was devastating to Angie.  She is so very tender hearted and spent many sleepless nights crying over that decision.  Angie and Jason went to see Lynsie.  Then came the answer and the real reason they needed to return early to Phoenix.  In a manner that only Angie could accomplish, a loving invitation was extended to Lynsie to come and stay with them.  It would mean that Lynsie would need to leave her lifestyle and her husband behind.  It took her a few days, but she did except that invitation.  Angie had been on the east coast, but the Lord knew where she was needed.  There is no one else who could touch Lynsie's heart as Angie could.

So as I sat there in this graduation at the end of the 30 day rehab  program and listened to these women talk about Lynsie, it was apparent that some liked her and some did not.  It was apparent that she had made a big impression on some and was what one called a role model and a strength to her.  They talked of her confidence and direction.  One girl who is a Mormon, but very much away from the church for a long time, expressed how she felt that Lynsie was brought into her life at this time for a reason.  She said that she felt her own testimony strengthen through her short friendship with Lynsie.  As I listened, it was apparent to me that My Lynsie had been in this rehab giving to others of her light and experience.  My Lynsie was not gone.  There are still many hurdles to leap, but My Lynsie can do that and is on her way.