I am the youngest of 5 and felt that I was looked at as "the perfect child". I certainly wasn't, but I did get good grades, didn't do anything against my parents wishes, was most always respectful of them etc, etc, etc. I felt I was always being held up against my older siblings as a role model. As a young child, I overheard it said that I would be the one to succeed, to actually make something out of my life. What a horrible thing to overhear, and even worse for my older siblings to hear or to feel. I am sure this did not sit well with them and as I look back, I didn't like that feeling either. The feeling or need to always display "perfection" was a pretty heavy load to carry, for a young child, teenager, young wife and mother, and even now as it is still with me. I don't know that it started or was created in my childhood, perhaps I just brought that quality with me from the pre-existence into this world. I just know that my childhood experiences were the first memory I have of the need to display perfection. What it created in me was the need to keep all those imperfections in my family life private, very private. So, as I continue with this blog entry, I am most definitely out of my comfort zone.
I went to a ceremony for my daughter Lynsie today. As I sat there, I felt the need to blog about it. With her permission, I am writing of my experience and feelings surrounding this event. They called it a graduation. It was a graduation from an inpatient drug rehabilitation program that she has been in for the last month. Lynsie's life has not taken the direction I would have hoped for her. She has had many struggles and obstacles. She will admit that her own choices have created this path. I can't really express her feelings or emotions as that would be her story to tell, not mine. I wouldn't even know how or where to begin with that. But I can express mine, so that is what I'm going to do.
In this ceremony, the women that are in the rehab program all had the opportunity to say something about Lynsie. I think that is what touched me the most. They said some things that were very familiar to me. Let me explain.
Lynsie was always my most outspoken child. Everyone knew her, everywhere she went. She made sure of that. Some liked her, some did not. That didn't seem to bother her though. In church, she always spoke out for what she believed. She shared that belief openly and with confidence. She always had direction in her life. She was a strength to other young women who didn't have such strong convictions or direction. Then, there were some events in her life that prompted the use of drugs to help her cope. As her life continued, the pattern to use drugs as a coping method also continued. There were some ups and downs and back and forths. Over the years, my well meaning advice fell on deaf ears. I'm sure partly due to her strong willed personality and most recently due to the life style she was living. My own inability to express sincere love while giving this advice was also a key factor as well. But the events of the last year have simply snow balled. I saw her on a few occasions, very much under the influence of these drugs. She had lost a lot of weight, and looked the part of a full on drug addict at deaths door. She was not in any frame of mind to listen or accept my advice or direction. I have to say in retrospect that advice is not what she needed. I simply couldn't see that. What I did see was someone I didn't know. I remember standing in my hallway and her last high school picture caught my eye. What a beautiful young girl she was. I remember also looking at her the week before thinking that My Lynsie was not in there any more. She was gone. I didn't think she could ever possibly come back. The damage was done. I felt helpless and heartsick. My actions had proven inadequate and I was emotionally done. Although I stopped putting forth any effort to help her, my prayers never stopped. While I had no more to give, I prayed that angels would attend Lynsie and give her what she needed and I put it all in the Lord's hands. I had to trust that He knew what she needed and how to give it to her. The events over the next months were an answer to not only my prayers, but the prayers of other family members pleading on her behalf as well. A very visible angel did came to her rescue. Her older sister, Angie. And yes, we did name her Angela, because she was going to be our little angel. (That's another blog story for another time though.)
Angie and her husband Jason were living in Virginia on a military assignment. The contract was up in October 2013 and they were planning to move back to Phoenix at that time. As Lynsie's life plummeted toward "rock bottom", Angie and Jason felt the need to come home sooner. Arrangements were made, the contract was granted to be cut short, and they came home to Phoenix in May. An incredibly difficult move as they had a 21 month old, an 11 month old, and Angie was 6 months pregnant. Yes you read that right, no typos there. And to top that, they felt they were coming home to take on foster care of Lynsie's 2 sons age 5 and 7 who were now in CPS custody. Lynsie's 18 month old daughter was in the care of my son Zac and his wife Tess, more angels that had come to the rescue. I think everyone felt at that time that if we couldn't help Lynsie, we could help the kids. As it turned out, Angie and Jason did not take the boys. A decision that was devastating to Angie. She is so very tender hearted and spent many sleepless nights crying over that decision. Angie and Jason went to see Lynsie. Then came the answer and the real reason they needed to return early to Phoenix. In a manner that only Angie could accomplish, a loving invitation was extended to Lynsie to come and stay with them. It would mean that Lynsie would need to leave her lifestyle and her husband behind. It took her a few days, but she did except that invitation. Angie had been on the east coast, but the Lord knew where she was needed. There is no one else who could touch Lynsie's heart as Angie could.
So as I sat there in this graduation at the end of the 30 day rehab program and listened to these women talk about Lynsie, it was apparent that some liked her and some did not. It was apparent that she had made a big impression on some and was what one called a role model and a strength to her. They talked of her confidence and direction. One girl who is a Mormon, but very much away from the church for a long time, expressed how she felt that Lynsie was brought into her life at this time for a reason. She said that she felt her own testimony strengthen through her short friendship with Lynsie. As I listened, it was apparent to me that My Lynsie had been in this rehab giving to others of her light and experience. My Lynsie was not gone. There are still many hurdles to leap, but My Lynsie can do that and is on her way.
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