Ali was watching a video at her dad's house the other night. It was a video taken on new years eve a few years ago. The house was full of family, also celebrating my daughter in law's birthday. In this particular video, the tweens were dancing to a dance game on the Wii. I remember that night. I was joining them. I do love to dance, although have to say have not had much opportunity to do that. She called me with a lot of joy and laughter and told me what she was watching. Her words, "We were all dancing and you were trying to dance". Okay, I could have taken offence to that, but no, after all, she's a teenager. I get it. It didn't stop there though. She continued her laughter and said she couldn't believe how FAT I was in the video, explaining that she didn't realize I had really been that FAT. Oh yeah, she emphasized the word FAT repeating it over a few times. Of course I know I was much heavier at that time. Actually the heaviest I've ever been. I know all that, but there was a teaching moment here. So I took a few minutes of parental liberty to explain to her that wasn't exactly a polite way to say something like that. I told her the better way to say it was, "Gee mom, I didn't realize how much weight you've lost. You look great now, Good job!" Of course, she laughed even more and said, "Yeah whatever, you were really FAT, but I love you". I told her I loved her too and that's where the conversation ended. So thinking about that, I could have been offended and angry. But at what? The fact that she said I was fat was a true statement in teen verbiage. As she said it to me on the phone, I have to admit there was a sense of pride and accomplishment in the weight I had lost and the way I now feel about myself. That's what entered my mind. But as I explained to her the more acceptable way to word it, the thought also crossed my mind that some people would take a simple compliment like, "You've lost a lot of weight, you look great" and turn it around in their mind to mean, "In the past, you were really fat and looked horrible".
Our minds are such fascinating things. We tend to take everyday happenings and then, sometimes instantly and sometimes over a period of time, we make up "stories" about that particular happening. We analyze, interpret, justify, blame, etc, etc. Basically we start to fill in blanks with our own interpretations and ideology. Sometimes we build and build upon a simple statement or experience, actually believing all the stories that our minds are creating. Human behavior doesn't stop there. Because then the emotion sets in, fed by those stories. Emotions like taking offence, anger, embarrassment, sadness, happiness, joy, pride. After the emotion, comes the way we act or respond to those stories and emotions. Not saying any of this is bad, it's just human nature. Something happens, we process it in our minds with added stories supplied by our minds, and we react. It's a normal cycle.
Not everything that happens to us produces negative results like this. The cycle takes place constantly with everything that happens, every experience great or small. But if someone is at all interested in bettering themselves, cleaning out the bad traits, understanding this cycle, is key. Realizing the difference between the actual experience and the added stories is the place to start. Then and only then, can we change the action or behavior that might not be such a good and productive way to act. It would be a really nice world if everyone understood how their minds worked and could recognize the "story telling" our own minds produce. Maybe the actions that follow would not be so painful, either for ourselves or for the people around us that get the fall out. I remember quite often with my children, as they would tell me about how someone wasn't very nice to them. I would say, "You can't control how someone else acts, you can only control how you act". Following up with a discussion on how we get to choose how we respond.
It is my belief that we are all here on this earth, this mortal life, to experience life. To experience that human behavior that goes along with it. Both our own behavior and the behavior of others. To show how we learn from each experience and take it all in to make ourselves better. To gain and develop qualities that would allow us to return to live with God, our Heavenly Father, again after this mortal life. I came across a quote I had saved that puts this so perfectly. It's by Neal A. Maxwell and was part of a talk he gave at Brigham Young University in 1994.
"The celestial attributes--such as love, patience, mercy, meekness, and submissiveness--embody what we are to become. They are not just a litany of qualities to be recited! Awareness of them--even articulate awareness--without their application will not do. Furthermore, these same attributes cannot be developed in the abstract. The relevant experiences are required, even when you and I would try to avoid them. Moreover, our individual developmental schedules reflect God's timetable, not ours. His timetable, if followed, prepares us incrementally for the journey of discipleship and for going home!"
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